i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
