Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
