Need sex. Gaining weight.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize