Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
me + whiskey = a bad person
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize