Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
