Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
