Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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