kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I think i got beer on your cat.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
