Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
