someone get that fucking seahorse.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
