I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
