If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
