what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
