Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
