well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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