Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
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