Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
