I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
