I could have mohawked her pubes.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize