I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
