So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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