Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
