i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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