I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
