Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
