I met the friendliest cop last night
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
