The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize