so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
COCAINE IS GR8
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
