Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
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