You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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