I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
