At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
We just shotgunned beers for America
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
