official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
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