You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
