He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Randomize
