if you like me you must not know who I am
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Randomize
