i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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