and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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