I faked an abortion last night.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
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