Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
