Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
if i can run in heels then i can drive
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
