You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
