Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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