once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
