The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
