after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Randomize
