Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
