I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
