I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
