I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
