Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
