you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize
