Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
