I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
